kitschy as a mother fucker

I hate kitsch.

entry #13

This is all kinds of no. I love fruit loops, I literally just ate some. They are delicious. But Cassie has no taste whatsoever.... Ha.

entry #14

Good lord. I bet those shot gun shells are soooo mad. They did not see their lives heading in this direction. Never did they think they would be faced with some hot glue and ribbon. I bet this is really heavy. The holidays have always reminded me of ammunition. Fifty bucks for this bad boy. 

entry #15

Kitschy as a mother fucker. I don't know why shit like this pisses me off so much, but it does. It makes me squirm a little bit. Then I start to think if someone (who doesn't know me at all but is probably a distant relative) bought this for me...I would cringe at the idea of having to put it in my house. They probably used the cheapest paint ever, which also really bothers me. If you wish to personally insult me in more ways than one, this clock is only $45. I just realized this is the second clock in this post. 

entry #16

So much kitsch, so little time! I love me some wind chimes, but this is really awful. The person who buys this also owns one of those singing fish plaques. And eats dinner in front of the tv, on a tray that allows them to eat while sitting comfortably on the couch. And orders shit off home shopping networks. Can you believe they expect $55 for this? Oh, but just wait. I found something better...

The person who made this definitely knows more cats than people. This "one of a kind" is $15 with the option of free gift wrapping!

Plastic Meatballs

This post is all about trash. Personally, I think most things are trash, but these things are literally trash. Trash for sale. Hard to believe someone expects money for this-trash. You'd find these in a landfill-trash. Trash. 

entry #11

Real Human Hair. Don't sell things you grow out of your body. Please. More importantly, don't buy things that grew out of someone's body. Unless you're a serial killer. Serial killers are allowed to collect human hair. I'm fine with that. Because they are only asking for $5, it just reinforces my belief that this is garbage. 

entry #12

WHY. The seller expects someone to hang this as an ornament on a fucking Christmas tree! Clean panty liners gross me out, but this makes me very aware of the saliva in my throat. Even the serial killer who collects hair would think this is gross. And for $5? A whole pack of panty liners doesn't cost $5. 

entry #13

 

The thing that bugs me the most about this garage-sale-nightmare is that, whoever made this wants two hundred and fifty fucking dollars for it! It's just a bunch of plastic dudes resting their plastic meatballs on other plastic dudes' heads. And it's ugly. 

Just...just don't

After passing over all the really creepy and really horrifying items in the "weird" section of etsy's "Everything Else" category (and feeling a little queasy) I managed to find some items that aren't so revolting but would still require me to turn my screen to who ever is in the room and say, "look what I found on etsy". 

entry #7

So you're probably wondering what this is. I have never heard of this, but apparently it's Art for Your Bathroom. It's some kind of rubber that they decorate, with a suction on the back. They take this shit seriously and there are all kinds in their shop, Ugly Baby. I can't imagine anyone seeing this suctioned somewhere in their bathroom, and then saying,  "I am so glad I went ahead and bought that for $18.00!". It's stupid and it's glittery and I don't like it even though they use a particular favorite of mine- naughty language. 

entry #8

You can't make fun of etsy without vaginas. This lovely reproductive organ is made out of soap. Available in african american and hispanic too! (sorry asians). I wouldn't buy this to use as soap. Maybe it's just me, but there's something about vaginas that makes me think, if I rub my hands all over this, they probably won't be clean. And even worse, who wants to see a frothy vagina? So gross. I might get this just to hear my g-ma's reaction, that horrified/disappointed/laugh that she makes. So worth the $4.95. This will not be the last private part that I post, you can count on that. 

entry #9

Just...just don't.

entry #10

I was so excited to find this! This Adult Baby waterproof and lockable diaper cover is pure magic. Magic like, holy-shit-you're-a-fucking-twisted-weirdo-but-I-am-very-amused magic. Sooo much wrong. Adult babies make me feel so happy in such an evil way. But, seriously, this diaper cover is gross. This handmade item can be all yours for just $53.98!

Bedazzle Your Asshole

I'm starting off strong with this post. This is what happens when you look through the "everything else" section of etsy. 

entry #5

This is, as you can probably tell, a dead cat. I saw it and thought it looked like something you'd see while watching Hoarders, like after the organizers lifted an old moldy couch. Then I read the description, and yeah, they found it behind some pipe. Why they picked it up and then decided someone would pay money for it? I have no idea. This is trash, someone is trying to sell trash. The seller mentions that mummified eyes and tongue are included! Don't believe me? See for yourself. So, if you're a disgusting freak that wants a dead pet, this little guy will only set you back $500. (the seller offers payment installments). 

entry #6

When I read the title of this item I giggled, like I was in high school and the teacher said "sphincter". Just to be clear, this listing is for "Anal Plug Jewelry". Immediately, I imagined seeing a jewel sticking out of someone's asshole. Why would you want this?! So you can look in the mirror and admire the beautiful jewelry that you wear inside your butt? But just when you thought anal plugs couldn't get worse than this, you were wrong.

This entry is a two-parter:

Fucking gross. Just in case you were wondering, that's a real fox tail. 

If you like to shove foreign objects up your ass( in style), then visit the Red Room of Pain (I'm not joking, that's the shop name). Only $30 to bedazzle your asshole, and $48 for shoving a dead animal part up there. 

This is for you, mom

I'm thinking I'll just give you the login info for this blog so we can both contribute instead of constantly texting each other messages that begin with: "look what I found on etsy". So I'm going to jump right in, because I came across some really entertaining items for the kitchen...


entry #1

These are handmade dish towels, if you want to see for yourself. I would be very upset to come into someone's house and see these staring back at me! For one towel and one dish cloth, only $18.99!

entry #2

If there's a dragon on it, I hate it. Period. I would have never, in my wildest dreams, pictured a dragon on a KitchenAid mixer. But that's not all, you can get this gem in a variety of colors! The shop also has so many other graphics available to customize your mixer. The price of dragon-ing your mixer, only $29.99. 

entry #3

This made me laugh out loud at my laptop. They call it "Dungeon Furniture" and I found it in the Home & Living section. What the crap? It really caught me off guard, and that doesn't happen often. The other pictures are not as funny as this one, but see for yourself. Who is taking this picture? Like, "Yeah, keep the paddle right there. Okay, now awkwardly lean slightly and look at her ass. Perfect, I'm just going to use my crappy cell phone camera so it comes out nice and grainy". You can add this wonderful piece of "furniture" to your home for only $599.

entry #4

I found this in the Gift Ideas for Her section!

Yep, those are shit candles. Or more delicately, as they are titled: Large Poop Candles. If anyone buys these for me, then you're a crappy friend. Also, it doesn't even look like much effort when into making these turds. This candle maker clearly doesn't have hands capable of recreating the art of an anus. I will admit that I found it humorous that they are rose scented.